Sasuke's Finest Hour
by Nivianah
Summary: Wherein Naruto streaks compulsively, Neji and Gaara stare, and Sasuke can't seem to stop twitching. Shounen ai. Rated PG13 for now, but eventual R?
1. The One with the Chocolate Milk

**The One with the Chocolate Milk**

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**Disclaimer:** These characters do not belong to me. They are the product of someone else's brilliance, and I am certainly not, I repeat NOT, making any money off of them.

**Warnings: **There is some droolage, boy-on-boy crushes, and eventually some kissage to be found here.

**Rating: **PG-13 for now . . .eventually (gasp!) R?

**Pairings**: SasuNaru, GaaraNaru crushage, NejiNaru crushage

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Sasuke sorely regretted having taken that sip of chocolate milk just as Naruto walked into the cafeteria without any clothes on.

It's rather difficult to get chocolate stains out of white cotton. It's even more difficult to maintain a façade of indifference when chocolate milk is dripping down one's chin.

This was one of the many reasons why Sasuke hated Naruto. The idiot's complete lack of coolness seemed to spread around to those unfortunate enough to be within a half-mile radius of him.

With as much dignity as possible, Sasuke carefully wiped all the droplets of chocolate milk off of his chin, and his hands, and Sakura's cheek. He then carefully pushed the milk carton away from himself to ensure that the drool presently working its way onto the table did not land in the milk.

He granted himself exactly three seconds, then slowly wiped his lip, and then his chin, and then closed his mouth just as everyone else in the cafeteria began to stir from their nekkid-Naruto-induced trances.

All around him, Sasuke could hear girls heatedly whispering "Oh, my _God_, is that Naruto Uzumaki? Who knew he had such a hot body?" and "I'd like me some of that!", as well as a handful of very high-pitched "Squeee!"s.

And then he heard Neji behind him saying "Come to _papa_", which of course compelled Sasuke to engage in a bit of completely justifiable violence. Though he did not say it outright, Sasuke made it very clear to the now-bleeding Hyuuga that Naruto only had one "papa", and that was Sasuke Uchiha.

That Naruto did not know this was irrelevant.

Sasuke wiped his hands on his shirt (it was already irretrievably ruined anyway, what with the chocolate milk and drool stains) and turned back around to see a golden . . .tawny . . .taut . . .lick . .a . .ble . . . .

"Naruto. Uzumaki." Sasuke took a moment away from ogling—difficult as it was—to admire Gaara's stoicism and consistency. Good ol' Gaara. He put broken robots to shame. Hey, Gaara, what time is it? Naruto. Uzumaki. Gaara, please state the second law of thermodynamics. Naruto. Uzumaki. Gaara, my puppy just got run over by a car full of clowns tripping on LSD. Naruto. Uzumaki.

. . .Come to think of it, perhaps he needed to remind Gaara who Naruto's papa was.

Still, potential rivalry notwithstanding, Sasuke could appreciate the fact that Gaara had a ready answer/comment/question/repartee for any and all situations.

Even now, with smooth, warm, surprisingly well-toned Naruto flesh merely inches . . .a couple inches . . .an inch . . .

"Pervert!" Sasuke jerked back in panic, then realized that Sakura was talking to (read: screeching at) Naruto, scowling at him in disapproval as though she hadn't devolved to a state of mush-dom mere moments before. "What the hell are you _doing_?"

Sasuke kept his eyes fixed on the carton of milk. His eyes were _completely _focused on the carton of milk. Completely _not_ straying at _all_ from the sight of Naruto idly scratching his stomach.

"Streaking," Naruto replied, still scratching at his stomach. Sasuke gritted his teeth and tried to swallow. For the _love_ of _God_, what was making the idiot so itchy and was it something for which sex was an antidote?

"Naruto. Uzumaki." Yes, Sasuke could definitely foresee a "Who's Naruto's papa?" pop-quiz on the horizon for Gaara.

Sakura 'tch'-ed impatiently. "Yes, yes, Gaara. That is Naruto Uzumaki." Gaara gave a solemn nod. Then he blinked and turned towards Sakura. "No, Gaara, your eyeliner isn't running. You look fine." Gaara cocked his head and blinked again. Sakura gave a long-suffering sigh. "Yes, Gaara, it does make your eyes look startling. You look very sexy." The red-haired boy gave her a satisfied grin and returned to eye-fucking Naruto.

Which was about as much fucking as would occur between _those _two, as long as Sasuke still had breath in his body.

Sakura turned back to Naruto. Sasuke noticed that her eyes glazed over for a few moments before she remembered herself enough to arrange her face into a scowl. "Doesn't streaking involve more running? I mean, doesn't the word 'streaking' just inherently suggest rapid motion, if taken in a physical sense?"

A slow smile made its way across Naruto's face. Sasuke blinked. Since when did the blond boy smirk like _that_?

"—want to look at it that way. What do you think, Sasuke?"

He _meant_ to say "You're an idiot." And in fact, he delivered the "You're" portion of the sentence with flawless enunciation and intonation. But then things got confusing. His tongue forgot to produce the 'n' half of 'an', but figuring that very few people hear the difference between 'a' and 'an', decided to forge on valiantly anyway. But then Sasuke's throat was confused by the mixed commands it was receiving from the brain, and blundered in with a 'hah' at the same time his tongue was executing the 'idiot'. Justifiably miffed by the uncued entrance, his tongue threw up its figurative hands precisely 3/5 of the way through "idiot". Horrified by the _lengue macabre_, Sasuke could only hope that Naruto wasn't paying too close attention.

"You think I'm a hottie?" Naruto snickered. Sasuke twitched.

Maybe he would take lessons from Gaara first, and then give him that pop-quiz.

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_Author's Note: _Please read and review! Feedbackchocolatelove. 


	2. Mission: Fuglification Begins

**The One Where Mission: Fuglification Begins

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**Disclaimer: **Still don't own Naruto. Still not making any money off of them. Still crazy . . .um. TMI?

**Warnings: **Brief mention of Cross-Dressing!Sasuke. But all's fair in love and war, right?

**Pairings: **SasuNaru

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As many times as Naruto showed up to school naked that week, one would think that the teachers would have done something about it. After they managed to staunch the flow of blood from their noses, of course. And stemmed the copious amounts of spit trickling from their disengaged jaws. And found replacement eyeballs that wouldn't leave their masters for every smexy thing that crossed their field of vision.

Alas, but it's so hard to find good, loyal, unperverted eyeballs these days.

But then when some of the teachers _did _finally do something about the very distracting nekkid-Naruto situation, Sasuke was not at all happy with the results.

In his opinion, the security cameras were not meant for such purposes.

This, of course, did not stop him from buying the tapes.

Sasuke knew that buying the tapes was wrong. He understood that doing so probably contributed to the propagation of the overarching social problem of making people into sexual objects and thereby effectively reducing both their concepts of themselves as individuals whose value goes far beyond the physical, as well as the objectifiers' concept of the existence of evaluative qualities other than the physical.

To demonstrate his understanding, Sasuke always made sure to wear a dress and a wig when he snuck into the boiler room to retrieve his copy of the tapes. He didn't want to be known as a contributor to the social problem of sexual objectification.

But the cross-dressing was enough to relieve Sasuke of any lingering cognitive dissonance, so it was not this that caused him unhappiness. What caused him unhappiness was that so. _many_. **other. **PEOPLE! were also buying the tapes. So far he'd witnessed Sakura, Ino, Hinata, insert random girl's name here, insert another here, another one here, dammit, just add ten more here, Gaara, Neji, Lee, insert guy's name here, and you know the drill all sneaking into the boiler room.

For the boy with the average crush, this would not have presented a problem. The tapes were actually pretty innocent (if one just turned a blind eye to the fact that they were made without the subject's consent) and not at all pornographic (that they inspired pornographic behavior is entirely besides the point).

For Sasuke, however, the situation did indeed give rise to problematic (read: swirling, chaotic, crazy-mad, homicidal) feelings. The kind of feelings that made him twitch.

Something was fast becoming clear to Sasuke: He needed to put his competition out of the running.

He bowed his head. It would mean taking drastic measures. It would mean changing some people's lives forever. _God forgive me, but I have to do this. I want him so much. Even though it may mean hurting some people, I have to—I have to make them unattractive to Naruto! I have to make them fugly!_

"Ninmu ryoukai," Sasuke whispered.

"Hey, that's _my_ line! Omae o korosu!"

"Oh, go fuck Duo, Heero."

" . . .Ninmu ryoukai."

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_Author's note:_ Sorry it's so short, but I seem to only be able to write in bursts. Please review. I need attention like I need air. 


	3. Sasuke's Hit List

**Sasuke's Hit List

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**Disclaimer:** I wish I owned Naruto and all his pretty friends, but alas, wishes are not yet horses.

**Rating:** PG

**Note: **Sasuke's POV. Mild character bashing ahead.

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Lee – I hate his eyebrows.

Gaara – He cut in front of me to buy the first tape.

Sakura – Naruto likes her. Plus, her hair is _pink_.

Neji – He cut in front of me to buy the second tape.

Hinata – She blushes too much around Naruto. She even blushed when she cut in front of me to buy the third tape.

Itachi – I think Naruto has a crush on _that man_; he kept staring at _that man_ that time _that man_ came to kidnap him . . .Oh, and _that man_ killed my whole family. Can't forget that.

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_Author's Note: _I swear I'm getting around to writing a proper chapter. This is all build-up, I promise. Review, please? wobbly eyes


	4. Mission: Lee Fuglification

**Mission: Lee Fuglification**

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**Disclaimer**: (Checks left pocket) Nope, still don't own Naruto. Still poor.

**Note: **Sasuke's POV

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_Date/Time Initiated_: 25 Dec 0800

_Date/Time Terminated_: 25 Dec 0800 and 20 seconds

_Report:_

No need to pursue this mission as Nature has already done a spectacular job.

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_Author's Note: _Heh. Please don't kill me, Lee-lovers! Onward to the next (proper) chapter! 


	5. Mission: Gaara Fuglification

**Mission: Gaara Fuglification

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**Disclaimer: **Naruto, Sasuke, Gaara, and Gaara's sand do not belong to me. If they did, I would never, EVER share! 

**Rating**: PG-15 for several sick innuendos

**Pairings:** SasuNaru, GaaNaru crushage, SasuGaa's sand?

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_Date/Time Initiated: 25 Dec 0801_

_Date/Time Terminated: 25 Dec 0830_

_Report:_

Am v. disappointed in self. Took self _thirty seconds_ to remember how fugly Lee is. This is thirty seconds self has wasted and will never get back.

Moving on.

Have moved this mission to top of hit list due to self's suspicion that G. really _really _likes N. Suspicion is justified by self's observation that G will NOT STOP eye-fucking N.

Current plan involves stabbing G's eyes out with poison-tipped kunai. This would definitely result in fuglifying G, self feels.

. . .However, self remembers that N. does not seem to like excessive violence. Self is also terrified that N also likes G, which is another reason why this mission is TOP PRIORITY. Self has begun to compare self to G. What could G have that self doesn't? What is it about G that could make G seem more attractive than self to N?

It can't be the pale skin, for self also has pale skin. It can't be that G is short, for self is also short (but won't be for long, dammit, if Father's height and _that man's_ height is any indication of height self will be in the future! . . .dammit.)

Could it be the red hair? Self has noticed that N seems to like people with unusual features, like Sakura with her pink hair and Hinata with her pale eyes. Perhaps plan should involve shaving G's head? Perhaps self should dye hair? Maybe blue, to match N's blue eyes?

. . .Self has just realized how girly self just sounded.

(written about ten minutes later at 0813)

Self has stumbled onto amazing discovery! Self was walking around, thinking of N . . .err, no one . . .and happened to catch sight of G leaning over bridge looking down at the water. Though self had intense urge to push G into the water, self hid behind a large rock, instead. G had some sort of thin black writing instrument in his hand and was using it to . . .draw around his eyes! Once self realized what G was doing, almost wet self!

Apparently, the dark smudges around G's eyes are NOT, in fact, rings of exhaustion due to staying awake all the time because of Shukaku.

Now self has brilliant plan and only needs to find a water balloon . . .

(written at 0813 and fifteen seconds)

Dammit! Have just been severely molested by G's sand! Oh, it's SO on, now!

(written at 0820)

Mission was _complete_ success.

_End report. _

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Gaara checked his reflection in water once more, then nodded in satisfaction. The use of facial paint was something taught to him by Kankuro, who explained that make-up was actually an effective distraction technique. Especially on boys, he'd said with a smirk.

Unfortunately, Kankuro only had large supplies of purple facial paint, which clashed horribly with Gaara's red hair, so Gaara secretly ordered little pots of black kohl from Avon.

Gaara frowned. Something that sounded suspiciously like muffled sniggering was coming from behind that conveniently placed large rock . . .He wanted to investigate, but he was afraid to confirm that someone was actually there. If anyone had been watching him and discovered his secret . . .

He _should _investigate, he _should._ Ninjas knew no fear.

. . .Or maybe _he _didn't need to investigate. Maybe his sand could do it for him. Gaara sent out a thin tendril of sand to poke around behind the rock and was horrified to hear rustling noises and a muffled squeak. He hardened the sand and formed it into the shape of a stick in order to beat whoever was behind the rock. Scowling fiercely, Gaara thrust out with the sand and heard a loud squawk of surprise. Now thoroughly alarmed, Gaara swallowed his mortification and ran over to the rock . . .

But there was no one there.

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Snarling to himself, Sasuke rubbed at his butt. Damn Gaara and his damn phallic sand! At the moment, he actually wanted revenge on that pasty, make-up-wearing freak even more than he wanted revenge on _that man_.

As he crouched on the rooftop of the ramen shop, Sasuke thought about the plan he'd set into motion. It was quite simple, really. Part of being a ninja involved knowing people's weaknesses. Using Gaara's weakness (clearly, Naruto, considering how the pasty, make-up-wearing freaking would NOT STOP eyefucking him) and Naruto's weakness (ramen), Sasuke had slipped two notes under two doors. According to his timetable, Naruto and Gaara would be showing up at the ramen shop in three . . .two . . .

"Hey, Gaara!"

"Naruto. Uzumaki."

Sasuke rolled his eyes. Good ol' Gaara. He inched forward and peered over the ledge of the rooftop at the two ninjas below him. The water balloon (so helpfully provided by Konohamaru) wobbled in his hand.

_Okay, considering the fact that the wind is traveling at 0.7 mph, and that the balloon will reach a terminal velocity of 9.8 meters per seconds squared, as well as the fact that Gaara is standing approximately 4.13 feet away from and 20 feet below this ledge, not to mention the fact that Gaara will NOT STOP eyefucking Naruto!_

With his usual precision, Sasuke dropped the water balloon precisely on top of Gaara's unsuspecting head.

There was an extremely high-pitched _meep_, and then several seconds of dead silence.

Then, "Whooooa. Um, you know, maybe I'm not that hungry after all." Naruto ran off.

Sasuke sorely wanted to jump down and laugh in Gaara's face, but then realized that he didn't really want to see what could make Naruto lose his appetite for ramen.

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_Author's Note:_ How was that? I wrote it very quickly, because SOME of you (oh, you know who you are!) have insisted very strongly that I update. (Very, very sorry this is so late, you-know-who. Happy belated New Year's!) Please read and review.


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